Posts Tagged ‘love; relationships; women; respect; god; coaching; valentines day; new year’

LOVE: The Banquet or The Crumbs?

“You are an invited guest at the banquet, so why are you sitting under the table gathering crumbs?” My dear friend Jean Jobs asked me that question about twelve years ago. And the struggle to answer it has made all the difference.

True Love: We all long for it, to have someone with whom we can let down our guard and be truly ourselves, who will encourage us to be our best selves, who will truly know us… not just the “us” we want others to see, but the true neurotic, imperfect crazy us… and still love us, still think we hung the moon. And will allow us to know and love them in the same way. Oh to be truly known and truly loved and to feel truly safe with another person and with ourselves. That’s true freedom – the banquet….

We all want it… so why why why is it so dang hard?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Susie, who has been abandoned by her husband for some other woman, begins a succession of new relationships with men who at first seem so great, but in the end, don’t respect her. Her teenage daughter is learning from her mother and the men in her life that she has no value and is not to be respected. What should she do? Give up? Join a convent?

Dorene, hates to admit it, but she has never been on a date. She doesn’t understand why no one ever asks her out, but she tries to hold her head high and go about her life. She has just about resigned herself that she’ll remain single the rest of her life, and she’s doing the best she can to be happy in the process. Still, she hopes…

Sally is married to a very passionate powerful man. Sweet, you say? Sweet until you realize that Sally is quite passionate and powerful herself and isn’t really comfortable fitting in to the Barbie-on-the arm role. She loves her husband dearly and he loves her, but she’s battling the demons that want to keep her small and weak and needy and compliant.

Then there’s me… single until I was 40. Waiting forever for the man of my dreams to ask me out. Dating the men who were nice enough, but were not the men of my dreams, because I couldn’t bear to be alone, and at least they made me feel desirable…. Because, deep down, I didn’t think I was good enough for the men who really attracted me. So, confused about who I was “supposed” to be, and who I was “supposed” to be with, I said yes when I should have said no, and no when I should have said yes, and generally made a mess of my relationships and hurt a lot of people, including myself. Eating the crumbs under the table.

So what’s the common thread here ladies?

I think the thread is that we don’t know who we are. If we did know, I mean in our guts know who we truly are as daughters of God, we would stand up tall and straight, look our  men in the eyes, and speak the truth about ourselves and about the relationship we are willing to create with them. We would respect and love ourselves and respect and love them enough to hold out for that relationship, and nothing less. And in doing so we would teach our men to respect and love us, and in the process to respect themselves.

Personal Plug…. Check out my Valentine Gift to all my Single Friends and Fans (and YOUR single friends and fans). I’m offering this because I feel passionately that while we are busy blaming others for our failed relationships, we are missing the opportunity to make the changes within ourselves that will set us up for a successful life-long love affair. Go ahead… take the plunge. What do you have to lose?