Be The Chooser

At Lake Tahoe with Steve to celebrate our anniversary, review and renew our goals, have some much needed time together enjoying Autumn in this beautiful place, and spend time reading and preparing for my upcoming Break Through Into Love coaching group for single women over 30. And Wallace came too.

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In the book I’m reading, Conscious Dating by David Steele, he has this quote that grabbed me.

“Choosers know what they want and how to get it. Choosers take responsibility for what happens and know that they are in charge of their lives. Being a Chooser takes a certain amount of confidence and effort, but anyone can be one! Finding the love of your life is not about hoping to be picked. You need to know yourself so that you can be The Chooser, rather than waiting to be chosen. Being The Chooser means taking initiative and responsibility for your outcomes: you are in charge of creating what you want in life. You do not restrict yourself to what or who chooses you.”

What do you think about that? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

It makes me think about how I was raised. I picked up the messages that first as a child and then as a woman I am to wait to be chosen. I grew up with some old fashioned ideas – many of which I celebrate – but some of which I now question. This is one of them. So much of my life has been spent waiting to be chosen, waiting to be noticed and recognized, not only in relationships with men but also in other areas of life.

When we’re not The Chooser, we’re the Victim. We get to settle for the life that we have; and we get to blame our mother, our boss, our ex-husband, our ex-best friend, our neighbor, the other driver, anyone else; and we get to be right about it.

Think of an area in your life that you’re not completely satisfied with. How have you let circumstances or other people dictate who you will be in this area? Now consider what might be possible if you became The Chooser in this area. What choices are available to you? Is it really the circumstances or other people who are keeping you stuck here? Or is it instead your own choice? Perhaps changing the situation might require some bold risky action that you have been unwilling to take. Recognizing that you have CHOSEN this part of your life and you are responsible, might change your perspective about it. How might your relationship to this situation change if you owned it like that? How might that affect how you relate to others?

I’m really looking forward to exploring this more deeply with my Break Through Into Love Coaching group for Single Women over 30, and I’d love to hear your thoughts as well. I have three seats left in the group which starts Wednesday, October 19. If you, or someone you love, are considering this group, now is the time to contact me.


10 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Debbie on October 8, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Have to share this one! ..


    • Thanks for visiting, Debbie. And thanks for sharing! Perused your blog and love it.


    • Well stated Fawn! Those of us raised in the evangelical, fundy world of static religion (not all of it was bad of course,) were taught to “Wait on God!” I think my mis-understanding of this phrase cost me a lot. I found that “waiting” got me out of a lot of responsibilty and desicion making. Maybe the true meaning of waiting was so that we would make wise and profitable choices. The proposition in the book of John is to choose light over darkness but the choice is always ultimately ours.


      • Thanks for commenting, Laude. I’ve notice how often I wait. I’m waiting for someone else to take the initiative, when really it is I who needs to act. Waiting does relieve me of the responsibility to make something happen. But time passes, and we’re all just standing around looking at each other waiting…. We can grow old waiting. I imagine moss or ivy growing up us as we slowly turn into stone, waiting. I think I even wait on God as an excuse to keep from acting, when God may be waiting on me!

  2. I really like that quote. I can see why it grabbed you 🙂
    I have been the chooser in various parts of my life and waited to be chosen in others.
    I like being “the chooser” because when I look back at decisions I’ve made, when I think of myself as the chooser, they were decisions I made with confidence because I knew what I wanted. Or knew it was what God wanted!
    Thanks for sharing 🙂


    • Thanks for visiting my blog, Laura. And thanks for your comment.
      Yes. It’s easier to be the chooser when I’m confident in what I want. It’s when I’m not sure what I want that I wait to be chosen. This is where I often settle for what comes my way. Doing the work to know what we really want, aka what God really wants, is so important.

      I perused your blog a bit – and you have definitely chosen life extraordinary. Check out my friend, Jeremy Berlin’s blog, He’s with YWAM in Thailand, working in the slums.


  3. Loved the quote and your honesty, Fawn. I’ve thought about this subject lots lately and how I’ll always be thankful Tom and I chose to buy a farm and how that choice taught us much about ourselves. Like, we’re not meant to live on a farm in the country. 🙂 Also taught us that the simple life–for us–is here in the suburbs, no matter how many essays online declare otherwise. (Never have I found life to be so complicated as I did out in the country.)

    But because we took a step toward what we thought we wanted, our choices took us outside of ourselves and we were able to better look inside and see who we truly are: suburbanites who love living close to everything and who need a tiny house so we can dedicate our lives–not to a farm– but to pursuing the main gifts God’s given us so to help others. And also leaving us free to go out and have some fun!

    It’s so great seeing you post more often here, Fawn. Thanks for making us think. 🙂 … Blessings, Debra


    • Thanks Debra. I always appreciate your visits. And I always love catching up with you on your blog.
      Your story is such a great picture of the power of choice! Nothing’s wasted – because our choices teach us who we are.


  4. I too grew up waiting to be ‘chosen’ Fawn. When I think about this it makes me wonder if I didn’t feel worthy until someone else considered me so.

    Although I consciously chose my life partner I’m wondering if I still play it out in other areas of my life? Interesting..

    Thank you for a thought-provoking article!



    • Thank you for commenting, Sharon. I think feeling unworthy is probably at the root of why so many of us wait and wait and wait to be chosen. Taking the initiative to choose the best requires being awake and confident in who we are and what we want. Maybe the first step in becoming a chooser is to go out and find support in gaining that confidence and discovering what we truly want. That’s why I love life coaching because it breaks through all those negative lies we tell ourselves and helps us discover the truth about the amazing possibilities within us.


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