The Real Deal

A friend of mine recently got married. There are many things special about this marriage, but one of them is that she’s 50, and this is her first marriage.

How did it happen? What shifted? Well… from my seat in the bleachers, her perspective changed. She made a choice to break her pattern…. At least one part of it. She does have a tendency to fall fast and deep, which always makes me a bit queasy. But she did let go of a long-held belief.

You see, she’s in business, and always thought she should marry a business man – and they could be in business together. Yet every time she got into a relationship like that, it ended in disaster. I always said she should marry a plumber. What I meant by that was someone who has his own source of income, his own career, and is marrying her for love – period. Not a business partnership.

So it was kind of funny to find out that, in fact, he’s a plumbing foreman! And he pursued her through all her objections about how it couldn’t work…. He loves her for who she is.

The wedding was beautiful and so uniquely her. I cried of course. I’ve seen how when she loves, she loves completely. I’ve followed her through several agonizing heartbreaks.

And I’m happy to see she has been found. By someone who seems to really get her. Who is solid in who he is and is willing to support her being fully herself. I’m wishing her well and praying for the best.

It’s been a long and arduous journey, and a new one is just beginning.

So, my single friends who are longing for the real deal…. Don’t give up. There’s hope. I wonder if you would consider for a moment that love might be just around the corner and to find it, you just have to turn the corner. Shift your perspective a bit. Adjust your thinking.

Questioning our long-held beliefs can be scary. We’ve believed them for a reason. We can back them up with evidence. They may be tied to our religion or deepest convictions or to our experiences in childhood or beyond. Yet, we spin out of those things a conclusion that we’ve made up in our minds that may or may not be true and may not serve us. Questioning those conclusions is one of the healthiest and riskiest things we can do. But even more risky is to NOT question them. What do you stand to gain if you challenge your own beliefs? What do you stand to lose if you don’t?

If you’re brave, try this little exercise from Byron Katie of The Work.
Take a few minutes and center yourself. Then write down in one sentence what do you tell yourself is the reason you are still not married. It may not be the answer you give your mother or your well-meaning acquaintances. I mean the reason you tell yourself when no one else is around.

Now go to this link and follow the instructions.

The Work

Give yourself some time with this. You may want to give yourself a day or a week to consider the honest answer to these questions. Journal about your answers and talk to a friend.

I would love to hear your thoughts.
If you would like some support in going through this exercise, send me an email and we can set up a phone call.
And please feel free to share this with your friends.


8 responses to this post.

  1. Great post Fawn and I am glad that Linda is happily married. Sounds like true love!


  2. Posted by Adrienne Low Satterberg on July 25, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    How funny that you always said that she should marry a plumber! Well said about changing perspectives…I have discovered that you sometimes have to kiss a number of frogs before you can recognize your prince (because he won’t look like what you think he should look like, be the right ‘breed’ or hop the way that you had hoped…)


    • Posted by fawngilmorekraut on July 25, 2011 at 8:01 pm

      Ha! So true, dear Adrienne! And so well put! We have to take a step back and see with new eyes, or hop to a new beat! So glad you have found your prince.


  3. Hi Fawn– Good thoughts and reasoning. Many seem to hold to their beliefs and defend them without challenging them because they judt do not know who they will be after losing beliefs that define their identity. They carry questions in their hip pocket they hope noone will ask! There is a scripture, “[James 3:17] But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.” Wisdom that is sound is easily entreated. I.e. it need not be defended. — I’m proud of you – Pop


  4. Posted by pip on September 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    I love your dads verse…going to journal and ponder this for a bit…and reflect on the wisdom James penned! I love that you wrote this as a precursor to some work this fall im thankful i took a minute to look over your blog Fawn!


    • Posted by fawngilmorekraut on September 7, 2011 at 6:35 pm

      Thanks Pam. I’m glad you are perusing the blog! Enjoy!
      And I’m glad you will be coming to the Evening of Hope. Can’t wait to meet you in person.


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