He’s Just Not That Into You

Last week, Steve was at a conference in San Diego for about five days, so I got to experience living alone again.… It brought back old familiar feelings, an emotional cocktail made up of the pleasure of independence, mixed with confusion about what to do with myself, with a shaker of boredom, and a big shot of loneliness.

I ended up settling in by the fire (yes fire in May… it was pouring rain and freezing cold… but I digress), with our dog Wallace at my feet, and read an entire book. As I am exploring relationships in my coaching practice, someone had recommended the book He’s Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, writers for the hit TV show Sex in the City. Now… I have to tell you, I’m no real fan of the show. I’ve watched it a few times, and sometimes it’s pretty funny…. Don’t tell anyone and call me old fashioned, but to my friends, I call it Sluts in the City. So, I was pretty skeptical when I picked up this book, but I thought… what the heck. Steve’s out of town, it’s raining, I’m bored, and my beloved dog is at my feet.

It’s pretty light weight compared to some of the other books I’m currently reading, like Undefended Love and Intimate Allies. But I did discover something refreshingly wonderful about this little book. It was written primarily by a man to an audience of single women basically telling them how NOT to settle for a man who’s “just not that into you”. It was like a splash of cold water on my face. Of course! We’re so quick to make excuses for men who don’t love us. What are we thinking, girlfriends??!! We are worth being loved, and it is just plain silly to waste our time on anything less. I laughed out loud during parts of the book, startling poor Wallace from his dreamy trance.

At the end of each chapter, there’s a checklist of the things you should have learned. Seems obvious, but how many of us have not really learned these yet?

  • An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of “ruining the friendship.”
  • If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
  • “Hey, let’s meet at so-and-so’s party/any bar/friend’s house” is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
  • Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
  • You are good enough to be asked out.
  • If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
  • Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.
  • There is no excuse for cheating. Let me say it again. There is no excuse for cheating. Now you say it. There is no excuse for cheating.
  • It doesn’t count unless he says it when he’s sober.
  • You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (You have to be nice to them, too.)
  • Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment.

I think the hardest part about this is the fact that we women so long to be loved, that we settle for what we think might possibly eventually perhaps turn out to maybe be something that looks kind of like love… i.e. I think he might like me….or at least he’s better than nothing. Another quote in the book is “Better than nothing is not good enough for you.”

What do you think?


4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Kim on June 3, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I think you’re/they’re right.
    I will never ever (I hope) forget Sherman, with his crazy bobble head right up in my face saying, “Don’t you EVER settle for crumbs again!”

    You know what, it’s better to be alone than to be with someone and lonely.

    Love you Fawnita!


  2. Posted by fawngilmorekraut on June 4, 2010 at 5:07 am

    Love you too, Kimmie!

    Ah Sherman. He taught us so much about real love. What a legacy he left for us.

    If we only knew our value, and embraced it, I think men would embrace it too – or stay at a safe and comfortable distance… which is OK… really.


  3. I read this book awhile ago, and I enjoyed it. Love the quote you ended with!


    • Posted by fawngilmorekraut on June 11, 2010 at 8:18 pm

      Thanks. It was a fun read. Loved your review of Sex In the City2. Haven’t seen it. Didn’t see the first one either, though maybe I’ll put it on my NetFlix list.


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