Mr. Right?

When I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship with a young man about my age. We were in the same church and were both active in the arts ministry. He was a musician, I was a dancer. He expressed an interest in me, I thought he was a really great guy, but a bit nerdy…  he didn’t fit my perception of the guy I was “supposed” to end up with. However, he was fabulous best-friend material. So we decided to become friends, and to prove the world wrong that a guy and a girl couldn’t be best friends without getting romantically involved.

He really did become my best friend. We became inseparable. Did everything together both alone and with our thriving group of friends. We threw parties together, cooked and sang together, laughed and cried together. What a great time we had. We would talk for hours on the phone, in the park, on the ferry boat, wherever.

But we would never touch beyond the safe little side-to-side hug… no holding hands, definitely no kissing, no “I love yous”…. Strictly platonic.

His mother wasn’t buying it. She always spoke to me with absolute truth. At the time, I didn’t really know what that was, and I was never quite sure how to take what she said.

She would challenge me to consider whether what I had with her son wasn’t actually the real deal after all… and whatever I had made up about who I was looking for was a silly myth.

I asked her once how does one know when they have found THE ONE. You know, that one, single, human being on the planet, who you are destined to somehow meet, fall in love with, marry, and raise a family with… fulfilling God’s perfect plan for your life. Happily ever after…..and all that.

She laughed at me.
I was hurt.
She said I needed a dose of reality.
I asked what she meant.
She said that we choose who we will love, and then we love them. The “magic” we feel in the beginning of the relationship eventually fades, and then we start loving. Love is a choice. We could pick anyone, and create a life with them, if we chose to love them. It’s a commitment.

I balked at her words. I pictured myself picking up some homeless guy off the street, choosing to “love” him, and somehow creating a happy life together. Her words seemed so sterile, cold, and un-fun. All about sacrifice and duty.

Sigh….. there was wisdom in her words, that I didn’t have ears to hear at the time. Had I listened…. Life would have been very very very very different for me.

But I had miles to go, hearts to break, hard lessons to learn, before I could hear what she was really saying to me.

What do you hear?


4 responses to this post.

  1. Hey Fawn…thanks so much for your comment at my blog. Just that very morning I was hoping you’d add a post to your own blog and I was wondering if you were still reading mine. 🙂 So your comment was a double delight.

    I love what your friend’s mom said, for I’ve often thought such things over the years, yet had almost never seen them in print anywhere else. I believe what she said was true and your analogy of picking up a homeless guy was true, too, IF 1.) The homeless guy would also love you back the way you loved him–or pretty darn close, anyway… and IF 2.) He wasn’t a jerk and planning on remaining a jerk no matter how much you loved him. 🙂 .Heh. But again, often I’ve felt that the most important thing in a marriage is not that we find our soul mate or someone with whom we have a ton of things in common (though some things in common does help), but rather, that both people love and respect and cherish one another. And to do that successfully, I also believe each person must allow God to change them into His image bit by bit, year by year–but that’s a whole other long comment–so I will spare you. 🙂 Thanks for writing this post and I’m already looking forward to your next one! Blessings, Debra


    • Posted by fawngilmorekraut on May 16, 2010 at 8:36 pm

      Thanks Debra,
      I did have a bit of a writing drought, but I’m finding a clearer focus, so my hope is to post something every Friday related to Relationships.

      I do appreciate your encouragement – and always love your blog.


  2. Posted by Kim on May 17, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    What a great mom she was/is. Seeing the heartbreak ahead for him (and you too possibly), stepping up for her son, and caring enough about you to tell you the truth. Truth sayers are a big part of your life apparently. 🙂 Do you ever wonder what she said to him?

    I play the “what-would-my-life-look-like” game too. What if I had married Terry? Who loved me – too much I thought (Is there such a thing?!). I was “the one” for him, from the minute we met. He adored me and it unnerved me to no end, so I thrashed my way out breaking his heart along the way.

    Kinda funny you ended up with a “nerdy” guy after all. 🙂


  3. Posted by fawngilmorekraut on May 17, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Great question. Now I am wondering what she said to him. Maybe something like, don’t worry. After she breaks your heart, you can love again. Which he did. Almost immediately. Had something like eight kids.

    Something about those first loves.

    Let’s hear it for the nerds who love us.


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